WELCOME!
💋 MWAH! ♪ 💋
I fully am like. In love with you. And Im thinking to myself I'm insane like I'm usually so calm and also so critical of romantic fervour but I literally feel like I'm heating up just thinking about you. I feel this sudden intense kinship to every poet I've ever read or every artist I've ever seen. Everyone who spoke so gloriously of how love feels. Like I have a chest full of butterflies and I'm lovesick i can't eat can't sleep my stomach is a pit I've got fever etc. It's unreal. I feel like Romeo and you're my Romeo. And I saw a picture of you kissing someone and I was filled with unimaginable jealousy that your lips weren't on mine. It feels like there's a magnet and I'm drawn to you, I can feel where you are and how bad I want to see you but it's shits because we live in different places. This yearning has me daydreaming it has me wet dreaming it has me in flights of fancy when I'm not supposed to. I have a deep deep anxiety all the time that I'm away from you and when shit crops up in my life, I'm suddenly free of worries because it doesn't matter I'm in love. I'm filled with cool cool joy and refreshment and I have a new skew on life. You make me wanna be more butch, more authentic, more put together, smarter, healthier, more dedicated to the beautiful butch way of life and that's for YOU. that's because of YOU. And if you break my heart I hate to say it [unfinished]
I'm writing this because we're several weeks in and I'm very infatuated with you. There's several words I could use - enamoured, obsessed, delighted - but none of these words (and indeed nothing I've said out loud) have done justice to how I feel about you.
I say this because I adore the way you talk. Even superficially, the cadence and depth of your voice, the care you take to speak with precident instead of just whatever pops into your head (a habit I, avid hater of long pauses, partake in), it's all quite mesmerising and I can't help locking my jaw and straining my ears whenever you clear your throat to speak.
Us having been intimate a few times now, I've joked about our sex playlist. Know that I don't actually want to play it during sex. After the fact, when you look picturesque in my sheets, smoking or lamenting our approaching goodbye, I'm quite pleased to put some ambient tunes on a press the fresh hickies on my neck compulsively. But despite how well it works for offering a steady rhythm for me to work to, whever white noise accompanies us is plenty. I don't want to be distracted by a good song or a misheard lyric, or god forbid miss a quite intake of breath or a moan that escapes. Every time you mutter something subconsciously or tell me how well I'm doing or how good I look, [...]
Ohhhh darling I'm in deep I can't wait to tell you how much I love you. I can't wait for us to be a strong, healthy infatuated couple a year or two in and every time I get to say I love you, you know I mean it. I'll croon it into the crook of your neck I'll mumble it in bed with you, I'll trace it on the bare skin 9f your back, it'll be my hello and goodbye, populate my texts, my calls, my Instagram captions with candids of us intertwined. It feels like the pedestal I put you up on is empty now, you've shimmied down and shown me how witty and vulnerable and delightful and fragile you can be. It feels like we're equals now
[...] I feel breathless and I love my train of thought immediately, and all I can do is look at you and admire how gorgeus you are, the sounds you're making, how good you smell and how incredible you feel. Especially how you taste - if you can believe it, I started fantasising about eating you out after our third meeting and haven't stopped. And I haven't said this, any of this. As you can probably gather, I'm more of a pant-like-a-dog person when you make me feel good, and my moans have none of the gravitas or bass of yours. Even outside of this, I'm so amazed that we get to be together despite feeling that you're so far out of my [...]
I think about you so often and it's so sweet how little comments about me being your husband and how great a parent I'd be or that we look like grandparents ourselves. You drop hints about letting me design our actual kitchen and it all feels so teasing and tentative. I don't want us to sit down and discuss our future seriously because I don't think we're there yet, but our gentle back and forth makes me feel secure that we're both after the same thing. It feels great to be on the same wavelength.
[...] league. If I were to subscribe to love languages (which I don't) you might call me an acts-of-service kind of girl, I love cooking for you or showing you around or washing your hair, but putting how I feel about you into words is far and away not my forte. Whether or not it's your "love language" per se you are magnificently proficient at making my heart skip a beat with a comment or a groan or the way that you laugh. I need you to know that I fee inl deeply, deeply attached to you and you should know it every time you see [...]
My sweetheart I was up late last night and I was thinking about something you said. Do you really think that I'm with you just because you're butch or out of convenience or something? I said that even if a hundred million butches were banging down my door I'd want to be with you and you said you didn't believe me. Why. Is it so unbelievable that I think you're the only one for me? Is it that, if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't pick me? Or is it insecurity about yourself? You've been an adoring and devoted girlfriend with the most incredible body. you make the most delicious sounds I've ever heard out of a person and even if none of those things were true I have a deep unshakeable desire for you that feels out of my control. It feels primal and bioloical. And if you don't feel the same, that's okay. I wouldn't mind being the second choice if it meant getting to love you.
[...] your dimples in the mirror or you're in the shower the way I think of you when I'm buckling my belt ("I love the way you move your hips") or ordering ginger beer at the club (having 0 vices being "badass" which I disagree with but find hilarious). If I can't cook you eggs every morning or kiss every inch of you each night, take these words that I pored over for half an hour and I hope you know the feelings behind these words are very, very present when we are together, I'm just incapable of being forthcoming with them.
Yours with affection
Isabella
Hello my sweetheart
I've been thinking about the parts of your home that I've impacted and it's so nice to think about. Our little butch/femme discussion about the dog painting, us kissing so uncontrollably that the framed picture in the kitchen was dislodged, my copy of Maurice is probably sitting somewhere on a table, the beaded ring I made you is sitting on a candle. I say this because my own home has endless reminders of you - my sign about being self righteous no longer lists me as a bachelor, the shirts on my rack and in my wardrobe that were once yours, your tank under the covers that I press close to my nose each night, the framed ainting or carthorses that I picked up from that alley trip. It's nice to think that people who see these things might not look twice, but to us they're little strings that connect us while we're apart.
Things have finally tapered off for our most recent blue and it feels so much like we're on the same team. Even though both our feelings got hurt, I love you more than ever.
There's a sense that we piss each other off, it comes from a deep well of empathy and love. It's never felt malicious or hateful, just like two people trying to compromise while we butt heads. You've been so apologetic and distraught and I think I've pulled you around so we can move on, because zi mean it when I say that it was just a misunderstanding that caused the whole mess. There was a while after it all when you were cheerie and I was still gettin used to us being physical and affectionate again, which you had been withdrawn on the night before. I was recovering from a worry that we'd split up and my subsequent hesitiation to initiate affection, but when we could talk it out under the full moon, cuddled up on the Vallee pullout couch with your head on my chest and tears in both our eyes, there was a sense that we'd overcome a nasty obstacle and come out the other side. You're worth every hour it takes untangling our words and ever cuddle until we're back on the same road. I mean it everytime I say that you're worth the tenderness and sweetness I offer you because I truly can't imagine my life without you angel 💘
